The Legend of Tazl
by Tazl
Summary: Chapter IV of Tazl's exploits in Hyrule is now available! Navi returns for revenge, but this time he has Ultramech to help him out. Rated PG-13 for mild language.
1. Link's Deal

Tazl: Hi! My name is Tazl, short for Totally Awesome Zelda Lover!  
  
Navi: Shut the fuck up bitch! That ain't you fuckin' name! It's The Annoying Zelda Lover, bitch!  
  
Tazlf: Oh... and that's Navi, the fairy from The Legend of Zelda.  
  
Navi: Damn right bitch! Don't fuck with me!  
  
Tazl: Right... Today we have a special guest. The star of my favorite video- game series of all time!  
  
Navi: Oh god... please not him!  
  
Tazl: That's right! Today Link is on our show! Come on out Mr. Hero of Time!  
  
Navi: Son of a bitch! You did this just to piss me off!  
  
(Link walks out on stage.)  
  
Tazl: Whassup Link!  
  
Link: Ummm... hi.  
  
(The crowd goes freakin' crazy)  
  
Tazl: Ya hear that? That crowd loves ya baby!  
  
Navi: Well I sure as hell don't! Get outta here you little pantless fucker!  
  
Tazl: Don't mind her, but that does bring up a good question... what happened to your pants?  
  
Link: The Children of the Kokiri Forest don't like pants.  
  
Navi: Buncha little perverts...  
  
Tazl: Link, remember our deal?  
  
Link: Oh yeah, sorry little buddy, I get $10 to kill you because the Master Sword is the only thing that can destroy fairies.  
  
Navi: You don't have the Master Sword anymore! Ha ha ha!  
  
Tazl: Prop-man anyone?  
  
(The prop-man wheels out a big rock with the Master Sword stuck inside it.)  
  
Navi: Oh shit, at least I got FAIRY LASERS!  
  
(Link runs to the sword while Navi fires off fairy lasers wildly.)  
  
(Link grabs the sword and the room is engulfed in a blinding flash.)  
  
Tazl: Oooooh.... shiny!  
  
(When the light subsides, Link, who is now in is teenager form, is holding the sword.)  
  
Tazl: Dude! That is fuckin' sweet!  
  
Link: I know, pretty cool, huh?  
  
(Navi, after decimating over half the audience, is chopped in half by Link.)  
  
Tazl: Thanks for gettin' rid of that retarded fairy, he kept followin' me around.  
  
Link: He's supposed to do that!  
  
Tazl: Oh... well I didn't like it!  
  
Link: Whatever, pay up.  
  
(Tazl gives Link $10)  
  
Link: I'm outta here, and I'm keepin' the sword too. You can keep that little butter knife I was usin', I hate that thing.  
  
(Link leaves the set)  
  
Tazl: That's a wrap folks! Great show, join us next time when we talk to Ganondorf... this is gonna so freakin' sweet! 


	2. Ganondorf's Anger

Tazl: Hi guys... ummm...  
  
(Tazl looks out to see all the seats are empty.)  
  
Tazl: I guess killing most of the audience last time didn't get us much publicity... whatever.  
  
Tazl: Today we have a special guest, King of the Gerudo Thieves, he has been killed by Link 2 times already! Let's show a big round of applause for Ganondorf!  
  
(Ganondorf walks onto the set.)  
  
Tazl: How ya doin' there big guy?  
  
Ganondorf: How do you think I feel! I've been killed by a 13 year old more times than I can remember!  
  
Tazl: Actually, our records say that he's killed you 2 times... that's not a big number.  
  
Ganondorf: Shut up...  
  
Tazl: Right... okay, first question! Have you ever considered plucking those eyebrows? Those things are like friggin' caterpillars!  
  
Ganondorf: Why does everyone always bug me about my eyebrows?  
  
Tazl: Well I mean, look at those things! The Gerudo Thieves are a bunch of chicks, don't you think that at least one of them would have like a waxing kit?  
  
Ganondorf: Grrrr...  
  
Tazl: I mean... all of them can't be gay!  
  
Ganondorf: Your pushin' some lines buddy! I'd be careful what you say next!  
  
Tazl: You are aware that I have Link's phone number... right?  
  
Ganondorf: Where's the Hemloc King when you need him?  
  
Tazl: Who?  
  
Ganondorf: I thought you were a Zelda fan too... haven't you ever played the WInd Waker?  
  
Tazl: Sure I have, but I don't know the boss names because I didn't need a stategy guide to beat it! I thought you were all big and bad and stuff. You're a green guy with a facial hair problem!  
  
Ganondorf: That's it, you're dead!  
  
Tazl: I wouldn't do that...  
  
(Tazl reaches in his pocket and retrieves his cell phone.)  
  
Tazl: Link is on speed-dial number 5... bitch!  
  
Ganondorf: I'm outta here, besides, I gotta figure out another way to obtain the 3 Triforce pieces.  
  
Tazl: Whatever...  
  
Ganondorf: I'm serious, I'm actually gonna leave.  
  
Tazl: Go ahead!  
  
Ganondorf: Fine!  
  
Tazl: Fine!  
  
(Ganondorf gets up and leaves the set.)  
  
Tazl: Alright! That's all the time we have for today folks! Join us next time when we go to Hyrule to kill... I mean annoy Princess Zelda! 


	3. Zelda's Assassination

Tazl: Hi guys! It's me, Tazl, whassup! Today we're not gonna be in the studio... but instead we're gonna go visit Zelda! I have also invited a well-known movie star as a special guest to help us... ummm, nevermind. You'll see when we get there. His name is R2-D2! Yes, the very same robot from Star Wars! Here's the fun part, we had our expert hacker and TDD (Twinkie disposal device), Phreak, to help us out! Say something Phreak.  
  
Phreak: Yeah, I reconfigured the context hardrive mainframe and rerouted the control path patterns to get optimal killer instincts in the apex of the...  
  
Tazl: Right... if you haven't figured us out already, we're gonna kill Zelda... because I hate her! I mean, she gets the game named after her, and Link has to do all the work!  
  
Phreak: That's a real stupid reason dude...  
  
Tazl: Shut up! It's an exellent reason!  
  
Phreak: Whatever, are we gonna do this or not?  
  
Tazl: Let's go!  
  
Phreak: Come on R2!  
  
(Tazl and Phreak set off to visit Hyrule Castle Town while R2-D2 follows.)  
  
Phreak: Man, Hyrule Field is alot smaller in the games... I wish we had Epona about now.  
  
Tazl: Maybe you just need to cut down on the Twinkies...  
  
Phreak: Shut up!  
  
(After half an hour of Pheak bitching, they finally arrive.)  
  
Phreak: Finally!  
  
Tazl: Look over there, it's Hyrule Castle.  
  
Phreak: How do we sneak in?  
  
Tazl: You idiot, we do what Link does! Up the conviently placed vines!  
  
Phreak: I don't like heights... and R2 can't climb.  
  
Tazl: Son of a bitch! This was a waste of time... Wait!  
  
(Something appears above Tazl's head... it's a lightbulb!)  
  
Tazl: This is like the Los Angeles of Hyrule, which means that we can probably buy 50 kilo's of cocaine and a pair of AK-74u's in the same store.  
  
Phreak: Dude, where are we gonna find that?  
  
Tazl: To the back alley!  
  
(Tazl and Phreak walk to the back alley area, leaving R2 behind. It doesn't take them long to find a store that suits their needs.)  
  
Tazl: Yeah, I'll take some of those, and some of that, ooooh... those look nice!  
  
Shopkeeper: That'll be 1,195 Rupees please.  
  
Tazl: Phreak?  
  
Phreak: The one time I forget my Gameshark...  
  
Tazl: I'll be right back, Phreak, you stay here.  
  
(Tazl runs and gets R2.)  
  
Tazl: I'm back! I brought R2 with me too! You know what to do Phreak.  
  
Phreak: Right... R2-D2, initate killdakeeper.exe please.  
  
R2-D2: Roger, roger. Killing the shopkeeper now sir.  
  
(Out of one of R2's many compartments pops out a saw-blade launcher. He shoots 14 blades into the shopkeepers head.)  
  
Phreak: That's my boy!  
  
Tazl: I'll take these... thank you... what, free of charge? Wow, you're very thoughtful!  
  
Phreak: So, we're gonna take on the entire Hylian army just to assasinate Zelda?  
  
Tazl: No, were gonna provide back-up.  
  
Phreak: Huh?  
  
(Tazl whips out his cell-phone and speed-dials 5.)  
  
Tazl: Whassup Link, remember when you said that you wished the game was named The Legend of Link... well now's your chance. Uh-huh, you're in castle town too? Where? Oh, the bar... we'll be right there!  
  
(He hangs up.)  
  
Tazl: Let's go!  
  
Phreak: Dude! You know Link?  
  
Tazl: Yeah, he killed Navi for me.  
  
Phreak: Really, sweet!  
  
(Tazl, Phreak, and R2 head off to the Hylian Bar to find Link.)  
  
(When they arrive, Link is waiting for them.)  
  
Link: Let's kick some ass!  
  
Tazl: Yeah!  
  
Link: Dude, is that R2-D2?  
  
Tazl: Long story... let's go!  
  
(Link, R2, Tazl, and Phreak storm the castle gates. They continue to kick Hylian ass until they reach the court-yard.)  
  
Zelda: Oh, hi Link!  
  
Link: Save it bitch! You're goin' down!  
  
Zelda: What?  
  
Link: The game should be called The Lengend of Link, but it's not. All I ever do is save you, and you get the game named after you!  
  
Phreak: I still think that that's a stupid reason to kill her...  
  
Link and Tazl: Shut up!  
  
Tazl: Just do it Phreak!  
  
Zelda: What's going on? Link, I thought you returned the Master Sword to the pedestal.  
  
Link: Yeah... well I took it back!  
  
Tazl: Say it Phreak, or I kill you.  
  
Phreak: Okay, okay!  
  
Phreak: R2-D2, iniate killzelda.exe.  
  
R2-D2: Killing Zelda now.  
  
(Link jumps at Zelda and cuts off her left arm while R2 fires an AOL disc into her leg.)  
  
Zelda: Ahhhh! My arm, you cut off my arm, you bastard! What the hell... is this an AOL disc!  
  
Tazl: You loaded him with AOL discs!  
  
Phreak: What... free ammo in the mail!  
  
Link: I'm gonna finish her off!  
  
Zelda: I don't think so!  
  
(Zelda whips out a Fairy crossbow and puts a light arrow into R2-D2's harddrive.)  
  
R2-D2: Oh no... I always loved you Phreak...  
  
Phreak: Nooooo!  
  
Tazl: Pull yourself together man, we got a crazy bitch firing friggin' light bulbs at us!  
  
Phreak: Your right, I guess I'm just...  
  
(Before Phreak can finish his sentence, a light arrow buries itself into his forehead.)  
  
Tazl: Hmmm, I gotta get me one of those.  
  
(Link jumps up and decapitates Zelda.)  
  
Link: Take that, bitch!  
  
Tazl: Oh yeah! You go Link!  
  
Link: You know, I can play a warp song and get us outta here.  
  
Tazl: Really, where will we end up?  
  
Link: The bar.  
  
Tazl: That's what I thought.  
  
(Link reaches into one of his pockets and pulls out a Kazoo.)  
  
Tazl: What the hell is that?  
  
Link: The Kazoo of Time.  
  
Tazl: I should have guessed.  
  
(Link plays the Bar Warp and a light engulfs the 2 of them, when they come to, they are in the Hylian Bar.)  
  
Tazl: Well, that's a wrap for today folks. Strike one Zelda. You know, I think we have learned a valuble lesson from this.  
  
Link: What's that?  
  
Tazl: That R2-D2 isn't as cool as he seems in Star Wars.  
  
Link: Whatever dude, I'm outta here. 


	4. Navi's Revenge

(Deep within the confines of hell, a demon is reborn. The name of this dark fiend is... Navi.)  
  
(Meanwhile, back at the audienceless studio...)  
  
Tazl: Well Link, looks like Zelda is dead... what should we do next?  
  
Link: I think I know... let's go burn down the Great Deku Tree!  
  
Tazl: Hmmm... sounds fun. We need matches, gasoline, oil, starter fluid, and marijuana.  
  
Link: Weed? What do we need weed for?  
  
Tazl: What do we ever need weed for... to get stoned stupid! You solved all those dungeon puzzles and you can't figure out why we would need weed... you're slippin' man.  
  
Link: Must be all that dope.  
  
Tazl: Right...  
  
(The ground starts to shake furiously.)  
  
Link: Dude, do you feel that?  
  
Tazl: Ummm... yeah! It's kinda hard to not notice an earthquake.  
  
Link: What do you think is causing it?  
  
Tazl: I don't know! Go ask your science teacher or something!  
  
(The ground stops shaking and a fairy appears.)  
  
Link: Oooh, a fairy!  
  
Tazl: Shit, a fairy.  
  
Unknown Fairy: Greetings from hell Link...  
  
Link: Ummm... hi from earth fairy dude.  
  
Unknown Fairy: Don't you know who I am?  
  
Link: Can't say that I do...  
  
Unknown Fairy: It's me, Navi, you big idiot!  
  
Tazl and Link: Navi?  
  
Navi: Yeah... duh! You can't kill a fairy, we just respawn!  
  
Tazl: Shit...  
  
Navi: Tazl, do you know why I'm back?  
  
Tazl: Nope...  
  
Navi: I came back for revenge!  
  
Tazl: Dude... he killed you!  
  
Navi: You payed him!  
  
Tazl: Whatever, hey Link!  
  
Link: Yeah?  
  
Tazl: Kill Navi again.  
  
Link: Sure.  
  
Navi: Wait! Hahaha... I won't make it that easy this time! Ultramech robo- fighter... come forth!  
  
(The ground under Navi cracks open and out of the depths comes a 10 foot robot.)  
  
Tazl and Link: Oh shit...  
  
Navi: Yes my friends, this is Ultramech... the fairy controlled robot!  
  
(Navi flys into a small opening in Ultramech's chest, after he is inside, the opening closes behind him.)  
  
Ultramech: You will die!  
  
(Ultramech shoots eye-lasers at Tazl.)  
  
Tazl: Ahhh, the eye-lasers, they... tickle?  
  
Ultramech and Link: Huh?  
  
Tazl: That's a real craptastic robot you got there Navi!  
  
Ultramech: What... no! I carefully calibrated it... what's wrong?  
  
(Navi rams the keyboard and the head spins wildly shooting lasers everywhere, also killing the audience member that was just entering the building.)  
  
Tazl: Damn it! Every time I get an audience... you kill them!  
  
Ultramech: Shut up Tazl! I have a crisis here... 1 of the 2 weapon systems I installed is going haywire!  
  
Link: 1 of the 2?  
  
Ultramech: Oh yeah... I forgot about the AOL disc launcher!  
  
Tazl: AOL disc launcher? Sounds familiar...  
  
Ultramech: So you know...  
  
Tazl: Nope.  
  
Ultramech: My secret has been revealed...  
  
Tazl: I'm comin' up blank.  
  
Ultramech: For god's sake! Ultramech is an upgraded version of the R2-D2 you left behind in the Hyrule Castle Courtyard!  
  
Tazl: Big deal...  
  
Ultramech: Arrrrg!  
  
(Ultramech shoots an AOL disc at Link, cutting his hat apart.)  
  
Link: Navi... you cut my hat! Die you stupid fairy!  
  
Ultramech: What the...  
  
(Link, enveloped in a berzerk rage, stabs through the armored cockpit of Ultramech... killing Navi.)  
  
Navi: No! I'll be back... and I'll kill you Link.  
  
Tazl: Dude... I didn't know you had it in you!  
  
Link: Bitch killed my hat.  
  
Tazl: We'll get you a new one.  
  
Link: Hangin' out with you is dangerous... I need to go on a cruise.  
  
Tazl: The ocean... yes! Link, I just got a good idea... let's tour the Great Sea! We can meet your decendants... you know... the ones that Ganondorf swore that he would one day destroy?  
  
Link: Yeah... good idea dude... one problem though... we would have to go 1000 years into the future! To do that, I would need to be able to control time or.... ohhhh! I see!  
  
Tazl: We're set then?  
  
Link: Yeah... let's do it!  
  
(Link whips out the Kazoo of Time and plays a song. The space-time continum is broken open and a dimensional rift appears.)  
  
Tazl: Dude we forgot the marijuan...  
  
(Tazl and Link are sucked through time.) 


End file.
